November 29

What a day yesterday was……I left the crisis centre, apparently yesterday’s entry scared the care giver there and she sent me back to the hospital, where I was told there was “no room” for me (AHS ladies and gentlemen!) and that the Crisis team had to “figure out” what to do with me.  So after sitting in emergency for a while I just walked home.   I am tired of trying to get the help I need, only for people to slam the door in my face, or just make things harder than they need to.  

Ashley has talked to me a couple times yesterday, but I kind of downplayed everything.  She’s in Mexico and should be enjoying herself, not worrying about me.   But I have enough people blowing up my phone every 5 seconds to check on me.  I appreciate it though, it’s nice to have people give a shit, even if at this point I don’t anymore.   I look at that knife and think about how easy/hard it is to use it.   I am reluctant because this is the thing….I don’t WANT to die.  I just don’t want to keep getting kicked in the face by life, only for life to keep kicking me when I am trying to get back up and fight.   I am tired, I have no energy for this anymore.   Thats why, when Amy stopped wanting to be my friend I didn’t even bother to put up a fight.   I know I was a shitty friend to her, so she’s better off without me holding her down with my bullshit.   I just told her to look me up if she ever wanted to talk.   But I don’t think that I will be sticking around much longer.   Everyone is better off without me