December 1

 I don't honestly know how much more I can take......everything is just crushing me,  I know people are out there who care about me and are trying to help me, and I appreciate and love them so much but....I am not worth saving.   I ruin every single thing I touch and I don't deserve to be happy.   I don't want to end my life, and I am terrified of it, but I am so terrified of living.  Continuing on with this ruined life that is beyond saving.   Standing here while life continually kicks me and not being able to fight back.   Constant bad news, constant reminders of how much money I owe, how shitty a friend I am, how selfish I am.   I talked to my former best friend last night for the first time since our falling out and while she was pleasant enough she was also very cold and distant.   I guess I deserved that because at this point I don't think she cares about me anymore but is worried I will snap and do something stupid if I realize that.   I was at that point with my Mom once, where our relationship was entirely for her benefit.  I grew to love her again but she deserved it, I didn't.   I need to leave......I need to run and get away and escape from the toxic person I am.   The people who still love and care about me will leave eventually too.   Thats the way the world works.....once you're of no good to people they walk away.   


I feel my grip loosening, and its only a matter of time before I fall

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