Brad's Journal

 I don't honestly know how much more I can take......everything is just crushing me,  I know people are out there who care about me and are trying to help me, and I appreciate and love them so much but....I am not worth saving.   I ruin every single thing I touch and I don't deserve to be happy.   I don't want to end my life, and I am terrified of it, but I am so terrified of living.  Continuing on with this ruined life that is beyond saving.   Standing here while life continually kicks me and not being able to fight back.   Constant bad news, constant reminders of how much money I owe, how shitty a friend I am, how selfish I am.   I talked to my former best friend last night for the first time since our falling out and while she was pleasant enough she was also very cold and distant.   I guess I deserved that because at this point I don't think she cares about me anymore but is worried I will snap and do somethi...

I was up, now I am down……I had a lovely conversation with my brother and sister in law yesterday and we cleared a lot of issues we had with each other.   But I woke up this morning and everything rushed back……my health is terrible, life is a mess, my finances are ruined, my former best friend wouldn’t throw her coffee on me if I was on fire, and I just want the hurting to stop.     I know I do have some people who love and care about me, and I am so sorry I couldn’t be a better friend, brother, son, etc and I am also sorry I let myself down.   I am not perfect but I know I have a good heart and I love with all of my heart.   But thats not enough to make people stay.   Ashley face timed me on her trip to Mexico and complained about EVERYTHING but I know she’s not feeling well.   Still…at least she isn’t facing the hell I am right now, I felt like saying “STOP FUCKING COMPLAINING, YOU HAVE SUCH A GREAT LIFE AND SOMEONE WHO WOULD DO ANYTHING FOR YOU”. I ...

What a day yesterday was……I left the crisis centre, apparently yesterday’s entry scared the care giver there and she sent me back to the hospital, where I was told there was “no room” for me (AHS ladies and gentlemen!) and that the Crisis team had to “figure out” what to do with me.   So after sitting in emergency for a while I just walked home.   I am tired of trying to get the help I need, only for people to slam the door in my face, or just make things harder than they need to.   Ashley has talked to me a couple times yesterday, but I kind of downplayed everything.   She’s in Mexico and should be enjoying herself, not worrying about me.   But I have enough people blowing up my phone every 5 seconds to check on me.   I appreciate it though, it’s nice to have people give a shit, even if at this point I don’t anymore.   I look at that knife and think about how easy/hard it is to use it.   I am reluctant because this is the thing….I don’t WANT to d...

It’s hard for me to accept and ask for help.   It always has been.   I guess that’s how I was wired.   We figure it out on our own and suck it up and not bother people with our problems.   All that mindset did for me is crush me mentally, physically and emotionally.   I’m sitting here, in a crisis facility one month after almost taking my life and I still don’t want to go on.   I’ve had support from the most unlikely people and a cold shoulder from the people I thought would be there.   It’s funny how life works hey.   But I’m not blaming anyone who turned their back on me.   I blame myself for that.   I made their lives harder by pushing my issues on them and not being the friend they deserve.   I would be the first to admit I don’t make it easy to be my friend.   I deal with me and my bullshit 24/7 so I can’t begrudge anyone from having enough of me.   I deluded myself into thinking I was a   funny kind person who w...