November 28

It’s hard for me to accept and ask for help.  It always has been.   I guess that’s how I was wired.  We figure it out on our own and suck it up and not bother people with our problems.   All that mindset did for me is crush me mentally, physically and emotionally.   I’m sitting here, in a crisis facility one month after almost taking my life and I still don’t want to go on.   I’ve had support from the most unlikely people and a cold shoulder from the people I thought would be there.   It’s funny how life works hey.   But I’m not blaming anyone who turned their back on me.   I blame myself for that.   I made their lives harder by pushing my issues on them and not being the friend they deserve.  I would be the first to admit I don’t make it easy to be my friend.  I deal with me and my bullshit 24/7 so I can’t begrudge anyone from having enough of me.   I deluded myself into thinking I was a  funny kind person who would give the shirt off his back to a person in need but really I’m a selfish, needy narcissist.   


The ultimate irony?  I am legit trying to get help and trying my best to seek help and nobody is willing to help me.   They throw a Bunch of phone numbers at me and tell me to call them and when I do I’m told “sorry we can’t really help you right now”.   I’m stuck and alone and it’s all my fault because I’m too fucking stupid to figure my life out on my own.  



The reason nobody can help me is because I am beyond saving.   I’m no good to anyone. I’m no good to myself.   If I wronged you in my life I’m truly sorry.   I wanted to be a better person but I just cant be what I’m not.  I decided I’m not going to be anyone’s problem anymore.  

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

November 29

What a day yesterday was……I left the crisis centre, apparently yesterday’s entry scared the care giver there and she sent me back to the hospital, where I was told there was “no room” for me (AHS ladies and gentlemen!) and that the Crisis team had to “figure out” what to do with me.   So after sitting in emergency for a while I just walked home.   I am tired of trying to get the help I need, only for people to slam the door in my face, or just make things harder than they need to.   Ashley has talked to me a couple times yesterday, but I kind of downplayed everything.   She’s in Mexico and should be enjoying herself, not worrying about me.   But I have enough people blowing up my phone every 5 seconds to check on me.   I appreciate it though, it’s nice to have people give a shit, even if at this point I don’t anymore.   I look at that knife and think about how easy/hard it is to use it.   I am reluctant because this is the thing….I don’t WANT to d...
Read more

December 2

Why is it harder to face mornings than evenings.  I guess it’s because that’s when the phone calls start.  You owe this.   Pay this immediately.    We want to help you but we need you to jump through all these hoops first.   We can’t help you but don’t give up.   At least at night people leave me alone.   I am done.   I can’t face the world anymore.   All I do is ruin everything I touch.   If I met you I’m sorry I let you down but lets face it, that’s all I’m good at.   
Read more

December 1

 I don't honestly know how much more I can take......everything is just crushing me,  I know people are out there who care about me and are trying to help me, and I appreciate and love them so much but....I am not worth saving.   I ruin every single thing I touch and I don't deserve to be happy.   I don't want to end my life, and I am terrified of it, but I am so terrified of living.  Continuing on with this ruined life that is beyond saving.   Standing here while life continually kicks me and not being able to fight back.   Constant bad news, constant reminders of how much money I owe, how shitty a friend I am, how selfish I am.   I talked to my former best friend last night for the first time since our falling out and while she was pleasant enough she was also very cold and distant.   I guess I deserved that because at this point I don't think she cares about me anymore but is worried I will snap and do somethi...
Read more