November 30

I was up, now I am down……I had a lovely conversation with my brother and sister in law yesterday and we cleared a lot of issues we had with each other.   But I woke up this morning and everything rushed back……my health is terrible, life is a mess, my finances are ruined, my former best friend wouldn’t throw her coffee on me if I was on fire, and I just want the hurting to stop.    I know I do have some people who love and care about me, and I am so sorry I couldn’t be a better friend, brother, son, etc and I am also sorry I let myself down.   I am not perfect but I know I have a good heart and I love with all of my heart.   But thats not enough to make people stay.   Ashley face timed me on her trip to Mexico and complained about EVERYTHING but I know she’s not feeling well.  Still…at least she isn’t facing the hell I am right now, I felt like saying “STOP FUCKING COMPLAINING, YOU HAVE SUCH A GREAT LIFE AND SOMEONE WHO WOULD DO ANYTHING FOR YOU”. I barely kept myself together to smile and nod because I genuinely want her to have a good time and enjoy herself.   I don’t want to put my shit on her plate because I am worried she will walk away too.   


I just got a stressful call from a social worker who is trying to help me with the meager means AHS has to help people like me.....the system is so broken and they wonder how so many people slip through the cracks.  


I am barely holding on by a thread, folks…..I don’t know what I have left…..

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